but it was during these years that I
thought I was living what was what I
thought was happiness partying doing
drugs drinking smoking hanging out with
friends being you know having girls and
girlfriends and being with women and
this is what I thought was happiness and
I was pursuing these things but in the
midst of these things I was finding many
trials and tribulations I almost died a
couple of times
drinking and driving one time I crashed
into a pole my friend hit the windshield
so hard when he pulled back his hairs
were stuck in the windshield subhanAllah
and as soon as he pulled back and I seen
him bleeding and his hair stuck in the
windshield we took another sip of the
beer and I tried to drive away before we
got stopped by the police so this is how
I was trying to pursue my happiness but
I found that I was only becoming more
miserable trying to seek happiness
within the drugs and within friends and
within drinking was only making me more
miserable and my mother she used to
raise foster children so she had this
young man named Edgar who he was living
in our home he was about 17 years old
his mother had died of HIV his father
was in jail for most of his life he had
a really sad story and I was I really
felt for him so me and him became close
right away he told me about an
organization in New York called Zulu
Nation and he said this is an
organization he protects you he was a
part of when he was in New York because
he was born in New York he said you
should check him out you know you like
politics you like you I was going to the
school for political science at the time
so he said let’s go to New York let’s
check it out so I went to New York with
him to check it out and it was an
organization but it was again it was a
gang with principals so-called
principals and at one of these meetings
there was a man by the name of Abdul
Aziz he was a Muslim he used to be part
of that gang he came and he delivered
a talk that day about Islam Afrika
Bambaataa who’s at big in hip-hop he was
the leader of this organization he let
him speak after that he came to my
friend Edgar he said listen take me home
so I said okay fine we’ll drive you home
we went to his house and when we entered
his house he invited himself for tea and
coffee he immediately began to talk to
us about Allah about Muhammad about
Islam and me because I was always
curious I said who is Allah who’s
Muhammad what is this Islam that you’re
talking about so he began to tell me
Allah is the one God the creator of the
heavens and earth he has no son he has
no father I was like no son no father he
has no associates he said no he’s the
creator of the heavens and earth nobody
seen him I said okay I want to know more
so myself
my friend Edgar and another friend of
mine Tony the three of us were together
so he gave us a book until he’d buy
bilal philips it was the first book that
we read this was in 1998 so we went home
and we created a little cipher right
this is what you used to say in the hood
where we should smoke weed we would
create a site for a little circle and we
would build and talk about different
things so we decided to do the same
thing let’s go ahead and sit down we’re
going to sit as sit in the cypher we’re
going to talk about what this deen is of
islam and who’s Ilan who’s Muhammad
we’re going to read these books together
and discuss it so we began to do that
and the same token I said wait I just
can’t leave Christianity like that I was
born Christian so I can’t leave
Christianity that way I have to give it
a shot
so I went back and I began to read the
Bible I read it from cover to cover and
I had a highlighter in my hand hiding
highlighting anything that I thought was
contradictory to what I heard growing up
so and then we began to discuss that
then we began to study the Nation of
Islam we began to study righteous
teachings we began to study a teaching
court from nigger’s to gods we studied
all of these things subhanAllah and then
my one friend Tony he had also been in
prison at one time he kept telling us
the right religion is Islam the one that
Muhammad teaches and we kept telling
them how you know he says I’m telling
you has to be the one that Muhammad
teaches so we kept on studying myself I
was began going to the church or to
enter debates and began to ask questions
the pastor’s I began to ask questions of
my grandmother who was religious and my
grandmother she would basically push me
away she really didn’t want to deal with
religion she kind of saw me as look used
to overstepping the bounds stop asking
questions you’re Christian and that’s it
so when I would go to the church and in
particular this one moment that is so
fresh in my mind was when the pastor was
having a debate with a Muslim man and he
said Jesus is the one and only God he is
the son of God so I was too shy to ask a
question during the Q&A so afterwards I
approached him I said listen you said
Jesus is the one and only God but I read
in the Bible that Jesus when he was on
the cross he said my God my God why has
thou forsaken me he said yes I said well
my question is I have your God Jesus the
one whom you’re telling me to worship
and I have the God whom Jesus is calling
upon in your book so who do I worship
the one you telling me is the God Jesus
or the one whom Jesus cried upon he
tapped me on my shoulder he said son you
just have to believe I told him that’s
foolish how am I going to believe in
something you can’t prove to me so it
was at that point that I came to the
confirmation that yes I had to be a
Muslim and me and my three friends we
accepted Islam at the same time but when
went to Abdulaziz because we would go to
him frequently during this time to go
study with him learn from him asking
more questions so once women told them
listen we’re ready I told him I said I’m
ready but I don’t want you to tell me
what I can and what I can’t do I’m a man
I do as I like I do what I want when I
want and how I want to do it I’m going
to accept your faith but don’t tell me
what to do he said fine no problem so we
took the Shahada but after I took the
Shahada
unfortunately I put on my CUFI and I
still will go out and drink with friends
and I would run into Christians and they
would say you know Christian youth like
myself at the time and it would say you
Muslim not say yet and they would say
why are you drinking I said why you
asking me questions you’re worshiping
Jesus he said I know you watch me Jesus
I’m drinking stop questioning me right
so this was my attitude for a long time
and I went on that way maybe forgot
you four months subhanAllah drinking
still smoking still partying and then
allahu subhanahu wa’ta’ala guided me one
night I was in the put on my porch
sitting with these same friends and one
of them and when I was sitting with them
there was smoking weed and drinking I
was sitting there was about 2 o’clock in
the morning
I’m looking out at the Sun at the stars
and I’m thinking subhanAllah if I don’t
change the lahu subhana wa taala is
going to destroy me and i began to
reflect and contemplate further and i
kept coming to the same conclusion you
need to change if you don’t change how
much longer Allah is going to give you
how many more chances is Allah going to
give you you almost died in a few car
accidents you’ve been having this
problem in that problem it shot Allah
Allah how much more time do you have I
told my friends get up and get out they
said what I said get up
get out they said you’re high you’re
tripping stop bugging I said no I’m not
high I said this is the first time in my
life that I have clarity of sight I know
what I want and what you have I don’t
want it get up get out it was at that
point that I realized because there were
struggles that I faced right and finding
this happiness and this pursuit of
happiness
I was looking forward in the wrong
places drinking hanging out with the
wrong company which is the case with
most people so I knew that I immediately
had to change my friends in order for me
to reach the state that I wanted to
reach with my Lord and when I changed my
friends things began to change life
began to become sweeter I began to see
some of the happiness entering I went
back and I found my wife because my wife
she was my girlfriend prior my wife now
she was my girlfriend prior to Islam but
we had broken up for a while she was fed
up with me tired of me she kicked me to
the curb so I said but I always knew
that she was a good woman and that she
was the woman I wanted to marry so I
went back knocked on the door she opened
up what you want I said I need to speak
with you she
as I don’t have anything listed I’m a
changed man I have a new faith our faith
called Islam at home do realize you took
the time to listen as she became Muslim
as well and then after that there were
other struggles there were struggles
that every new Muslim faces the struggle
of finding a center finding a place
where we can fit in as the most new
Muslim that’s I think one of the hardest
struggles that we face I went to the
Masjid it was an Arab Masjid because I
was going back and forth from Jersey to
New York learning from Abdulaziz but he
knew we couldn’t keep going up there
because it wasn’t a good environment for
us so he told his stay in Jersey find a
mosque so when I went into this mosque
in Paterson they were all Arab I walk in
assalamu alaikum cave Halleck super-hard
Allah that you mmmm Dalila everything in
Arabic I’m sitting there talk about oh
my god these people are crazy what are
they talking about I don’t understand
them so I felt kind of shy to continue
going to that same location we would go
every now and then but it wasn’t
something that I was becoming firm upon
because I didn’t feel welcomed I didn’t
feel like that was a place where I found
people who were like me until one day we
went and I found two brothers who were
Guatemalan and then they directed us to
a mosque that was an all-american mosque
the football was delivered in English
most of the people were converts but
there was a mixed sprinkle mixed up a
little bit of everything and then I was
able to find a home and make myself firm
by staying in the message it going to
the master to learn all the time because
I knew that if I kept myself in the
Masjid learning then the vises would
initially go away but it sure alo Tyler
I only have five minutes it’s hard to
wrap up our whole story in this short
time so I just want to discuss some of
the other little struggles that I went
through prayer is another struggle that
we go through as new Muslims and prayer
is the source of happiness for us and
sometimes people find that is difficult
when you pray is difficult to learn to
pray you never spoke Arabic before so
you’re trying to memorize all these
words and you don’t know what they mean
they have no significance to you in the
Arabic language because you can’t
understand them but I remember
struggling hard I used to take these
little pieces of paper and I will put
them on the floor put them on the desk
and as I’m praying and I would forget I
would take the paper look at the paper
continue my salat being such to pick my
head up from sajda look at the paper and
I will tell I gotta say soup an erupting
lava okay put it back down from handle
double Allah Subhan Allah
but the struggle made it all the more
better it made it more appreciative I
was able to appreciate it more another
struggle was during Ramadan Ramadan when
I became Muslim I became Muslim in
Ramadan like maybe a month before
Ramadan two months before Ramadan Subhan
Allah
so I remember fasting another struggle
as a new Muslim fasting was hard we had
to wake up early in the morning it was
like about 4 o’clock in the morning then
I’m like Subhan Allah wake up at 10 11
so finally I wake up forward to eat and
I can’t eat – the night time and I
remember struggling coming home those
first days hungry and I remember coming
home one day you’re looking at the
cookie jar and I’m sitting there
salivating over the cookie subhanAllah
until I couldn’t take it no more not
just began eating the cookies you know
and it was another time that we went at
night to pray and I was in the mosque
and I’m praying behind the Imam we
praying salat Elisha and he finishes
praying
and I get up to leave and I hear them
get up to mix-a-lot again and they said
something and it was calling actually
for chiamo efforts are aware but I don’t
know because I didn’t speak Arabic so I
said ok man they added this alot of
something I’m not sure I thought we plan
to pray the last prayer so he starts
praying so he makes the Taraka he stops
I go to get up again and he gets up
again I’m like soup and a lot was going
on and now he’s praying for about an
hour and I’m sitting here my legs are
shaking this is the first time I prayed
this long I’ve never prayed in my life
standing this is the first time I prayed
my legs are shaking I’m sitting here I’m
frustrated I’m bugging out I’m sitting
here and and my concern was I can’t
leave the prayer because if I leave the
prayer I’m going to be punished I
remember I began to cry right because
I’m sitting there thinking man if I
leave the prayer I’m going to get
punished
hurting and I think the guy next to me I
thought man this young man he’s so he
writes he’s righteous masha’Allah look
at he’s cried oh he knows that to panel
uh I was sitting there crying because
I’m sitting there making dua oh Allah
stop the cement from reciting ready to
pound a lot and I remember I think when
he stopped one time I got up it says and
I ran out so pan Allah but it shall
hotel I just wanted to make mention
those points in Sharla because I think
as new Muslims we struggle through those
and even people who are returning back
to Islam who stopped practicing their
faith for whatever reason and are not
coming back to allah subhanho wa taala
they have the same struggles so i think
it was important to share that from the
small points in my life in sha allah and
i hand the back mic back over some
sister agna body :